Walking for AIDS

Last Saturday my husband and I got up early and drove to downtown Denver to walk for AIDS. It was quite an experience. We have walked for the March of Dimes several times but this was the first time for HIV.
Our church has a ministry called HIV Care-Link. The director has HIV and a wonderful heart for Jesus. He is the main reason that we became involved with the walk. So many people have been affected by this horrible disease. Also inspiring were the AIDS quilts that have been made in memory of those who have died with the disease. It touched our hearts reading all the thoughts and prayers loved ones had written.
Blessings to all
Katrina

San Juan River Trip

The San Juan is one of the most scenic and peaceful rivers that I have been on. The section from Bluff Utah to Clay Hill Crossing is 83 miles and meanders through the Goosenecks. It is popular for both its historic past as well as the geology. It requires a permit meaning that every year as a private boater you have to apply for date to "put in" or launch. This limits the number of people on the river and protects the wildlife and beauty. It is a lottery and so they select several groups to put in each day. We have not been selected but have managed to get someone else"s cancellation every year but 2007.
I think that I mentioned this before but we went on this trip on our honeymoon in 2004. we were so blessed with tranquility, beauty and the magnificence of God's creation that we try and go on our anniversary every year.
Next time I'll spend some more time showing pictures and describing a typical river day.
Blessings
Katrina

The Gourd has arrived!!!

I was outdoors working on organizing the ice chest for our river trip when the UPS man honked and pulled into our driveway. I just knew that it had to be your package Plantlady. I ran up to his van and received the package and ran into the kitchen to open it. Yes, I was not disappointed. It is so beautiful. I love it! I am not sure where I will find its final spot to hang. Thank you so very much.
An air of suspense still surrounds the delivery Plantlady. Even your return address is Plantlady Ponderings. an air of mystery just as your mysterious bird in the birdbath you too remain illusive.
Thank you and I will enjoy the beauty of your creation with fond memories.
Katrina in colorado

Trust: What I learned from my dog

1. Trusting others is not natural.
2. The illusion of having control and trusting myself seems more comfortable, especially when an experience is new and frightening.
3. I must repeat an experience and then repeat it many more times before I begin to surrender my will and trust another.
4. The more experience I have in placing my trust in others the easier it is to trust them.

While hiking down a narrow slot canyon appropriately named Crack Canyon with our little dog last week, we encountered several steep descents. These descents were impossible for our four footed little girl to negotiate on her own. They required that we lift her up and out over 12 foot drops. Sometimes this worked better head down first and other times tail end first.
On the first attempt she barked frantically, fought us, backed away, ran away and had to be drug to the descent. As we lifted her, her paws beat a rhythm in the air and every toe nail was splayed at an attempt to grab any surface and not let go. This added much hardship upon us as we often were the surface grabbed on to.
We talked to her with a soothing voice, calmly trying to lower her from one of us to the other, between the rocks and to the ground. She was too frantic to be soothed. After a while we successfully achieved lowering her to the ground.

This process had to be repeated several times.

We looked at her and thought:
“If she could only trust us and not fight us by trying to do it her way it would be so much easier on her”.
“Doesn’t she know that we love her and would not let anything bad happen to her?”
“Can’t she see that we are trying our best to make it easier for her and to protect her from potential harm?”

HMMMM! It made us stop and think.

Our heavenly Father wants the best for us. He knows what harm we can place upon ourselves by making the wrong decisions when we can’t see or understand all the angles of a situation.
And He knows how much harder we make it on ourselves as we fight and struggle to do what we think would be better, easier or quicker. If only we would trust Him more.

It was interesting to observe that the more we repeated this process, the more she began to relax and to trust us.
HMMM!

The more I place my trust in Him when it is scary and doesn’t feel comfortable, the easier it will be to trust Him in more difficult circumstances.

Thank you lord Jesus.

The Pepsi Can

We had been on a wonderful vacation in Utah last week. We camped (in our 5th wheel trailer) hiked and relaxed. We were out of cell-phone range and there was no Internet. Wow!
As we were returning home we stopped at a rest area in Glenwood Springs by the Colorado River. It was a beautiful spot to eat, watching as the river rushed by. We watched several commercial rafting trips take off as we dreamed of getting a permit to go on our favorite river, the San Juan. What a wonderful picnic we had. When we finished eating, I took the food items and put them back in the refrigerator in the trailer.
As we were entering onto the Interstate, I realized that I had left my unfinished Pepsi can in the trailer on the kitchen shelf, directly over the upholstered chairs. We couldn’t pull over or stop. If you know anything about Glen Canyon, you know it is one of the prettiest canyons, but narrow with twists and turns and very few exit with re-entry ramps.
Sooo, I’m sitting in the passenger seat, I am tormented. I’m thinking about what a sticky mess I am going to have to clean up. (Any one who has had to clean up a soda spill knows how sticky it is and it gets everywhere.) I can see the Pepsi as it is spilling all over the tan upholstered chairs, the cabinets, and running down the sides all over the carpet.
I am allowing my anger to go from a 3-4 to a 10. I am mad at everyone and everything. I am mad because my husband won’t pull over and stop (he can’t there are no pull off lanes). I am angry with the road designers, that they did not make more exits – re-entry ramps (they couldn’t). I am angry with myself for leaving the Pepsi can on the shelf. I shouldn’t have. Well I finally start to pray.
What a battle Lord, help me to surrender my anger. Help me to realize that there is nothing that I can do right this minute. Help me to realize that it is not that big of a deal (messy but certainly not the size of a problem that I have allowed it o become). Lord, come into this mess and hold me, help me to get over myself. Help me to enjoy this gorgeous Canyon that you created. Lord I want to change.
I want to learn to let go of things that I have no control over I want to learn not to over react to daily problems—that’s life and s__t happens. I want to grow into the woman/wife you created me to become. Help me please.
As we continued to go on through the canyon, I would/could surrender, but the very next curve or the very second that I stopped praying I was escalating up the anger scale again.
15 minutes later we were able to pull over. OK the dreaded moment of unveiling. I slowly opened the door to the trailer and stepped into it. There was my Pepsi can sitting on the counter. It didn’t appear to have moved.
What a miracle in and of itself. Praise God.

Reflecting

May 1st,
Its snowing outside, again, and I have been reflecting.
20 years ago this Saturday, May 3rd, my father died after a 6 week illness. I was 35. I miss him, he was a wonderful Daddy.
May 11 is his Birthday as well as Mothers day this year. I have been reflecting on my mother as well.
I miss not having a deeper and closer relationship with my mom. She has been a dedicated and caring mom for all these years but I am missing not really knowing her heart.

Our family very seldom talked about HARD issues. I am not quite sure why. Maybe because they were hard? uncomfortable?, we didn't want to sit in the muck cos it hurt?, believing that "we could just get over it and get on with living?" What ever the reason, I know that I have done this for most of my life also. I think that it has only been in the last 6 years (maybe longer) that I have allowed myself to sit with my heart splayed open and examine my wounds, the pains and disappointments of my life and to let Jesus be present with me. In this, I have experienced healing.

I would love to be able to sit with my mom and have a "Spirit filled connection" to know her heart. I wrote down questions that I would love to ask her to know her more intimately. The following are a few questions that I want to ask her:
What makes your heart sing?
What moments stand out in your life as being life changing and why?
What is a dream that you still wish for?
Do you regret not doing anything in your life that you would do if you had a second chance?
What words of wisdom- if any- would you give to me as I became a young woman that you didn't? Why?
The happiest day of my life was?
The 2nd happiest day of my life was?
Several disappointments that changed my life were?
I knew that God really loved me when?
Do you remember the most embarrassing moment of your life--or 1 of them?

I hope I have the chance to sit beside her one day and hear her heart.

Lord Jesus hear my prayer, grant this time of "Spirit filled connection" to become an intimate memory and not a regret, give me the courage to reach out and risk.

Katrina

Skiing with Jesus

I was reminded while reading Donna's latest post of when I first realized that God loved me as much as He loves everyone else. It was a pretty life changing occurrence.
You see, I have never had a problem knowing or trusting that God loves you, but I have had trouble believing He loves me. (as I have mentioned in my previous blog)
A year ago March, I was skiing mogals-bumps-at one of the popular Colorado ski mountains. I was having a wonderful time. The snow was perfect, not a cloud in the sky, a beautiful Colorado ski day. Half way down the mountain I realized that I was not alone, that someone was skiing beside me. I didn't stop but looked over and there was Jesus skiing right beside me. He was delighting in my enjoyment of His creation. He was dressed in the white muslin robe you see Him in (typical Biblical dress-of course not the best clothes to ski in). All I really remember are His eyes and mouth. His eyes were squinting in the bright sunlight filled with love and joy and He had the biggest grin on His face-one that you could not wipe off. It communicated to me how much fun He was having and how much He loved me and delighted in my passion for skiing.
Needless to say, I too was wearing the biggest grin on my face. To actually have my Lord and savior appear to me and not only that...joining me in something I love and Him delighting in my enjoyment. I was truly blessed. I wanted to share this with everyone.
The next day I was back at work. The shift had been extremely busy and stressful and I was feeling overwhelmed and irritable. I retreated to my call room for a few minutes but I couldn't hide -I am attached to a beeper and a mobile phone-. All I wanted was a few minutes of peace and quiet. My husband happened to call during this time and I just lashed out at him at some little innocent remark that I had no patience for. I regretted the tone and words as soon as they were spoken and mentally started to beat myself up. As the tears welled up in my eyes I looked over and there sitting beside me in the call room was Jesus. The same Jesus who had been skiing with me on the ski slopes the day before. You know what? He had the same squinting eyes and was smiling at me with that same huge grin from ear to ear. Without a word spoken I heard "I delight in you Katrina, I love you as much today at this very moment as I did yesterday skiing down the mountain with you. There is nothing that you can do to make me love you more than I do at this very minute or nothing you can do to make me love you less".
Life changing.
Seeing Jesus loving me the same way He did when I was being hateful as when I was full of joy opened my heart and I was able to believe how much He truly loves Me.
God cares enough for you and for me to send His one and only son to us so that we may have life and life in the fullest. He wants us and He pursues us to have an up close and personal relationship with Him.
WOW!

This past month has been challenging for me. I was very sick with a virulent virus for 3 weeks, re-injured an old knee injury, had a pinched muscle in my neck and as I was lamenting all of this 2 days ago, I stumbled into a metal door frame and knocked my head and had headaches for 2 days and now sport a large left black eye. I am learning to have (some) joy in these circumstances. I have had more time to read, study and have time to meditate with God.
This weeks study on Songs of Songs and others events occurring this week (GODS timing) have caused me to reflect on areas in my life that I still need healing. I struggle with my femininity. Who am I? How do I view myself as a woman of God?
I have viewed myself through the lens of the world most of my life and I have not measured up. The enemy gave me lies that I have called my own: I'm not pretty enough, my butt is too big, breast's are too small, I am not good enough etc., etc. I defined myself by how I looked and what I did-what I accomplished. I strived so much of my life to be accepted, to be loved and to prove that yes, I am worthy, but all the time hiding behind thick walls and a screwed on mask afraid that others would find out about the real me. I accepted the lie that I was not worthy or good enough, not pretty enough and no matter how much I tried or what I did there was always some one better. And if anyone really knew me they could never love me.
These fears and shame lead to many poor choices and consequences in my life: pregnant and an abortion at 17, marrying a fun party loving man(non-believer) at 19. Struggles with who I was as a woman as I dealt with infertility.
My story didn't end happily as some other women's stories do,ie. " I had an abortion then God Blessed me with a child". I struggled with the lie that God must not love me if I couldn't conceive-A lie I embraced and a lie that kept me away from God.
As I grew older and more isolated in the lies, my husband continued to party, (drugs alcohol and pornography). I found my identity in my work. This worked somewhat until I broke my leg and was out on medical leave, and lost my job after 16 years of employment. I was undone-who was I and the search began.

God at work

The next 2 years I struggled as I grew in knowledge of Gods word, I was led into community and he began a process of melting walls from around my heart.
I divorced my husband of 30 years after joint counseling and his choice to drink instead of change.
God continued to work in my life. 6 months after I divorced, I met my next door neighbor a younger man, a man with a heart for God. We dated and fell in love and were married a year later.
To be continued....my journey from darkness to The Light

A Time of change: Seasons and Attitudes

The winter continues to stay becoming an unwelcome guest, as spring continues to tease me every few days with a hint of what's to come. I grow weary, as I continue to bundle up, putting on gloves, hat and boots to go outside. Will it ever end, the heavy skies, dark and droopy contribute to my feeling the same way.
A crocus found its way up out of the snow and blessed my soul with the expectancy of what's to come. A light in the darkness, a fragrance. A promise and hope.

My husband and I watched a disturbing documentary last night called Southern Comfort. Neither one of us ordered it and question why Netflix sent it. Have to wonder if we were meant to watch it as neither one of us would have ordered it.
The movie chronicled the last year in the life of Robert Eads who was a female-to-male transsexual dying of Ovarian cancer. As difficult as it was for us to watch we felt there was a deeper purpose in viewing it.
The tragedy of this subculture of struggling individuals was overwhelming. Lost and broken, they were banished and shamed searching for love, validation and purpose in their lives. They founds others like themselves and attempted to knit a family. In their brokenness they established relationships trying to redefine love and intimacy. They believed the lies of the enemy that they were un loveable and unacceptable. Most were even rejected by their biological families.
In one scene a woman was talking about being afraid of the local church, that the church members would burn their home and belonging and then praise God that they had destroyed evil.
I do not embrace this life-style choice, it is sin. But, just as overeating, judging others and not loving others as Christ loves us is sin, we all sin and fall short of Gods glory.
How do we love these individuals that we judge and banish? How would Jesus love them? Its a hard question. I struggle with loving people that treat me unfairly at work, drivers who tailgate me and cut me off in traffic. So, how do I love those who seem so much more lost and broken, who really need to have Gods love and hope shown to them?
I can't, but only the Christ who lives in me can. Help me Jesus to lay my judgements at your feet and allow your love to flow out of me so others can come to know you.