I was reminded while reading Donna's latest post of when I first realized that God loved me as much as He loves everyone else. It was a pretty life changing occurrence.
You see, I have never had a problem knowing or trusting that God loves you, but I have had trouble believing He loves me. (as I have mentioned in my previous blog)
A year ago March, I was skiing mogals-bumps-at one of the popular Colorado ski mountains. I was having a wonderful time. The snow was perfect, not a cloud in the sky, a beautiful Colorado ski day. Half way down the mountain I realized that I was not alone, that someone was skiing beside me. I didn't stop but looked over and there was Jesus skiing right beside me. He was delighting in my enjoyment of His creation. He was dressed in the white muslin robe you see Him in (typical Biblical dress-of course not the best clothes to ski in). All I really remember are His eyes and mouth. His eyes were squinting in the bright sunlight filled with love and joy and He had the biggest grin on His face-one that you could not wipe off. It communicated to me how much fun He was having and how much He loved me and delighted in my passion for skiing.
Needless to say, I too was wearing the biggest grin on my face. To actually have my Lord and savior appear to me and not only that...joining me in something I love and Him delighting in my enjoyment. I was truly blessed. I wanted to share this with everyone.
The next day I was back at work. The shift had been extremely busy and stressful and I was feeling overwhelmed and irritable. I retreated to my call room for a few minutes but I couldn't hide -I am attached to a beeper and a mobile phone-. All I wanted was a few minutes of peace and quiet. My husband happened to call during this time and I just lashed out at him at some little innocent remark that I had no patience for. I regretted the tone and words as soon as they were spoken and mentally started to beat myself up. As the tears welled up in my eyes I looked over and there sitting beside me in the call room was Jesus. The same Jesus who had been skiing with me on the ski slopes the day before. You know what? He had the same squinting eyes and was smiling at me with that same huge grin from ear to ear. Without a word spoken I heard "I delight in you Katrina, I love you as much today at this very moment as I did yesterday skiing down the mountain with you. There is nothing that you can do to make me love you more than I do at this very minute or nothing you can do to make me love you less".
Life changing.
Seeing Jesus loving me the same way He did when I was being hateful as when I was full of joy opened my heart and I was able to believe how much He truly loves Me.
God cares enough for you and for me to send His one and only son to us so that we may have life and life in the fullest. He wants us and He pursues us to have an up close and personal relationship with Him.
WOW!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
This past month has been challenging for me. I was very sick with a virulent virus for 3 weeks, re-injured an old knee injury, had a pinched muscle in my neck and as I was lamenting all of this 2 days ago, I stumbled into a metal door frame and knocked my head and had headaches for 2 days and now sport a large left black eye. I am learning to have (some) joy in these circumstances. I have had more time to read, study and have time to meditate with God.
This weeks study on Songs of Songs and others events occurring this week (GODS timing) have caused me to reflect on areas in my life that I still need healing. I struggle with my femininity. Who am I? How do I view myself as a woman of God?
I have viewed myself through the lens of the world most of my life and I have not measured up. The enemy gave me lies that I have called my own: I'm not pretty enough, my butt is too big, breast's are too small, I am not good enough etc., etc. I defined myself by how I looked and what I did-what I accomplished. I strived so much of my life to be accepted, to be loved and to prove that yes, I am worthy, but all the time hiding behind thick walls and a screwed on mask afraid that others would find out about the real me. I accepted the lie that I was not worthy or good enough, not pretty enough and no matter how much I tried or what I did there was always some one better. And if anyone really knew me they could never love me.
These fears and shame lead to many poor choices and consequences in my life: pregnant and an abortion at 17, marrying a fun party loving man(non-believer) at 19. Struggles with who I was as a woman as I dealt with infertility.
My story didn't end happily as some other women's stories do,ie. " I had an abortion then God Blessed me with a child". I struggled with the lie that God must not love me if I couldn't conceive-A lie I embraced and a lie that kept me away from God.
As I grew older and more isolated in the lies, my husband continued to party, (drugs alcohol and pornography). I found my identity in my work. This worked somewhat until I broke my leg and was out on medical leave, and lost my job after 16 years of employment. I was undone-who was I and the search began.
God at work
The next 2 years I struggled as I grew in knowledge of Gods word, I was led into community and he began a process of melting walls from around my heart.
I divorced my husband of 30 years after joint counseling and his choice to drink instead of change.
God continued to work in my life. 6 months after I divorced, I met my next door neighbor a younger man, a man with a heart for God. We dated and fell in love and were married a year later.
To be continued....my journey from darkness to The Light
This weeks study on Songs of Songs and others events occurring this week (GODS timing) have caused me to reflect on areas in my life that I still need healing. I struggle with my femininity. Who am I? How do I view myself as a woman of God?
I have viewed myself through the lens of the world most of my life and I have not measured up. The enemy gave me lies that I have called my own: I'm not pretty enough, my butt is too big, breast's are too small, I am not good enough etc., etc. I defined myself by how I looked and what I did-what I accomplished. I strived so much of my life to be accepted, to be loved and to prove that yes, I am worthy, but all the time hiding behind thick walls and a screwed on mask afraid that others would find out about the real me. I accepted the lie that I was not worthy or good enough, not pretty enough and no matter how much I tried or what I did there was always some one better. And if anyone really knew me they could never love me.
These fears and shame lead to many poor choices and consequences in my life: pregnant and an abortion at 17, marrying a fun party loving man(non-believer) at 19. Struggles with who I was as a woman as I dealt with infertility.
My story didn't end happily as some other women's stories do,ie. " I had an abortion then God Blessed me with a child". I struggled with the lie that God must not love me if I couldn't conceive-A lie I embraced and a lie that kept me away from God.
As I grew older and more isolated in the lies, my husband continued to party, (drugs alcohol and pornography). I found my identity in my work. This worked somewhat until I broke my leg and was out on medical leave, and lost my job after 16 years of employment. I was undone-who was I and the search began.
God at work
The next 2 years I struggled as I grew in knowledge of Gods word, I was led into community and he began a process of melting walls from around my heart.
I divorced my husband of 30 years after joint counseling and his choice to drink instead of change.
God continued to work in my life. 6 months after I divorced, I met my next door neighbor a younger man, a man with a heart for God. We dated and fell in love and were married a year later.
To be continued....my journey from darkness to The Light
Saturday, April 12, 2008
A Time of change: Seasons and Attitudes
The winter continues to stay becoming an unwelcome guest, as spring continues to tease me every few days with a hint of what's to come. I grow weary, as I continue to bundle up, putting on gloves, hat and boots to go outside. Will it ever end, the heavy skies, dark and droopy contribute to my feeling the same way.
A crocus found its way up out of the snow and blessed my soul with the expectancy of what's to come. A light in the darkness, a fragrance. A promise and hope.
My husband and I watched a disturbing documentary last night called Southern Comfort. Neither one of us ordered it and question why Netflix sent it. Have to wonder if we were meant to watch it as neither one of us would have ordered it.
The movie chronicled the last year in the life of Robert Eads who was a female-to-male transsexual dying of Ovarian cancer. As difficult as it was for us to watch we felt there was a deeper purpose in viewing it.
The tragedy of this subculture of struggling individuals was overwhelming. Lost and broken, they were banished and shamed searching for love, validation and purpose in their lives. They founds others like themselves and attempted to knit a family. In their brokenness they established relationships trying to redefine love and intimacy. They believed the lies of the enemy that they were un loveable and unacceptable. Most were even rejected by their biological families.
In one scene a woman was talking about being afraid of the local church, that the church members would burn their home and belonging and then praise God that they had destroyed evil.
I do not embrace this life-style choice, it is sin. But, just as overeating, judging others and not loving others as Christ loves us is sin, we all sin and fall short of Gods glory.
How do we love these individuals that we judge and banish? How would Jesus love them? Its a hard question. I struggle with loving people that treat me unfairly at work, drivers who tailgate me and cut me off in traffic. So, how do I love those who seem so much more lost and broken, who really need to have Gods love and hope shown to them?
I can't, but only the Christ who lives in me can. Help me Jesus to lay my judgements at your feet and allow your love to flow out of me so others can come to know you.
A crocus found its way up out of the snow and blessed my soul with the expectancy of what's to come. A light in the darkness, a fragrance. A promise and hope.
My husband and I watched a disturbing documentary last night called Southern Comfort. Neither one of us ordered it and question why Netflix sent it. Have to wonder if we were meant to watch it as neither one of us would have ordered it.
The movie chronicled the last year in the life of Robert Eads who was a female-to-male transsexual dying of Ovarian cancer. As difficult as it was for us to watch we felt there was a deeper purpose in viewing it.
The tragedy of this subculture of struggling individuals was overwhelming. Lost and broken, they were banished and shamed searching for love, validation and purpose in their lives. They founds others like themselves and attempted to knit a family. In their brokenness they established relationships trying to redefine love and intimacy. They believed the lies of the enemy that they were un loveable and unacceptable. Most were even rejected by their biological families.
In one scene a woman was talking about being afraid of the local church, that the church members would burn their home and belonging and then praise God that they had destroyed evil.
I do not embrace this life-style choice, it is sin. But, just as overeating, judging others and not loving others as Christ loves us is sin, we all sin and fall short of Gods glory.
How do we love these individuals that we judge and banish? How would Jesus love them? Its a hard question. I struggle with loving people that treat me unfairly at work, drivers who tailgate me and cut me off in traffic. So, how do I love those who seem so much more lost and broken, who really need to have Gods love and hope shown to them?
I can't, but only the Christ who lives in me can. Help me Jesus to lay my judgements at your feet and allow your love to flow out of me so others can come to know you.
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